Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Legend of the Phone Thief

The Legend of the Phone Thief
Get comfortable ladies and gents because this is a long story....
It all started when my roommate Yaseen lost his phone. Late one night I decided I was going to pull a prank on Yaseen. Which you can see blow if you click play.

SO I text Yaseen to see when he would be home so that I could plan my attack. Shortly after I receive a text back stating, "In a couple days." so that made me remember that Yaseen lost his phone. And now the person that stole it is texting me... So being as smart and cunning I am I decide to get to the bottom of this. So I replay what do you mean dude. He replays with, "oh you know dude just at the strip club." so I text back. Sweet dude getting a lap dance my man...mind you I am trying to get him to slip up so I can catch him. Then it happens. "Dude can I borrow some money till payday?" he says. Here is my chance. I say: Ya man how much you need 2 300? he replays with " Na not that much just like 100" so then I say Well send me your account number so I can wire you the money..... No answer.... like an hour later I get a text. "Cant we meet up tomorrow" I say it can’t happen I am busy, just send me your bank number.(thinking I could go to the bank and get his name) and no text come in anymore.... dang I lost my chance.

So I go to bed and the next day I figured what the heck ill give it another shot. I text the phone. I say hey dude I got some time if you still need that cash. And with barley any hesitation. "Yeah where can we meet." now remember that he is pretending to be Yaseen. And what he does not realize is that he is my roommate.... so I text him how about little Caesars? I figured that we could jump him there I know the area well. :) But unfriendly I get a replay asking to meet at the little Caesars in the valley. That store is deep in the valley and I was not fixin on rollin way out there. Gas is not cheap you know? So I offer a better solution to him. I say can we meet at the Albertsons on Freya? He text back correcting me saying "Yea we can meet at the Fred Myer on Freya." then he tosses a curve ball at me I knew was coming. He says, "I am busy (Yaseen) can my boy come pick it up (Him)" Ahhh ahahahaha I knew he would come up with something like this. So I say yeah for sure ill text when I am on my way.

So I call up the boys. I tell Yaseen and I call Andrew so that we are rollin up 3 deep ya digg? So we get all ready and drive to the destination of choice. On my way I text him and say I am only way how will I know your dude. He does not text back. I text when I get there. And nothing. Then a couple more are sent on my end. I start to think that he is not coming. Finally I text again and say how will I know him. And I get a replay. "He will be there in 2 min and He will be in a red sweatshirt and will be in front of the bank. His name is Paul." I didn’t really understand until Andrew informed me inside Fred Myers there was a bank. This is when I became the Caption and deployed my troops to battle. I told Yaseen AKA big dog to walk around in the parking lot till I come out with the dude. I told Andrew to walk around near the doors outside recording. And I was going to go inside with the money and give it to him, hopping he would then walk outside and we could jump him outside and Get the phone back. Now the store has two entrances a north and south entrance. The bank is by the south entree and there is a jewelry store on the north side. So I walk into the north side doors and right then I get a call. Its Andrew. he explains that he just seen a dude in a red sweatshirt go in the south doors. so I get off the phone and head tword the bank on the other end of the store. As I approach I see two people in red... a dude was just entering the south doors and there was an old man sitting on the bench in front of the bank.

Both in red sweatshirts. Holding the 100 dollars I sit next to the old man, not thinking this sweet old dude was the thief.. kinda glance at him. and he is like staring at me thro his Bushly old man eye brows. he says "you lookin for Paul?" Well I sure am! I say. I stretch out my hand holding the neatly folded bills. he snags them with no hesitation. I say "ya Yaseen is always wanting to borrow money." and he said "ya......" so then I was like right dude take it easy. and I walk out the south doors the same doors he walked in, noticing that he was headed words the north side doors. so I get outside and sprint to the north side and hide behind a pillar waiting
for the old whit haired man to emerge from the door. as I am hiding a man walks by me and thinking he is smart and funny he says, "what you doing playing a game ha ha?" I say to the man in a stern tone. "Get outta here dude I am doing something." and he did. just like I said to. About a minute went by and no old man came skipping out of the doors with his new found fortune. so I said Yelled to my solders. Yaseen say there. Andrew stay there! I’ll go inside and around..... so I sprint back to the Southside doors and walk in. I walk toward the north doors with an eagle eye peering down every ail looking for the old fart. nope not in the frozen section nope not in the can good section, not in the soda pop ail... then I something catches my right eye. it was him! This old phone stealing white haired man was in the jewelry store! man oh man. he was not doing what I think he was doing. So I run out to get Yaseen as back up even though he was not needed. I go out the doors and Yell for Yaseen!!! he come runing up like he was a greyhound chasing one of them fake rabbits. He comes up pumped like it hulk ready to kill whatever I siked him on. So I say Yaseen you can’t hit him he is an old man. Yaseen does not hear me talking he has so much adrenalin pumping. I grab his arms and give this goofy son of a gun a good stern shake. Then I yell. Yaseen you can’t hit him, just let me do the talking! Now let me describe the jewelry store to you. it’s like an island in a circle. and inside the island were two ladies selling. And the island is made up of a big glass display case in which lie jewels rings ect.
I notice that money is being exchanged between the old man and the nicely dressed sales women. I look at my solder and tell him to go around the other side so we will be on both sides of the old man. And I start to walk to him. and Yaseen is following me. yet again I had to tell Yaseen to go around.(I know hard instructions) I get to the old man first. He didn’t even notice us approaching him. I wrap my arm around him with and give him a firm lock of my arm. He now knew he was caught. I say to the nice ladies. "This is my money and whatever this man is buying he is no longer doing so. so I am sorry you are no longer making a sale." then Paul AKA the old man says "Oh man I knew this was a bad idea...ya ya thats there money give it to them." and the sassy lady says with a sassy tone, "ima need the ring before you can have your money Sir."

then I see Paul pull out the ring he had purchased with my money out of his pocket.Must have been a cheap ring for under 100 bucks.... The lady goes to hand Paul the money but is interrupted by him saying "just hand it to them it’s their money." I believe this is because I started to stretch out my hand to grasp the bills. Now with Paul still locked under my wing and big dog nearby we started to walk outside. My mind now wonders to what those two ladies thought what was going on and what was to come of the old man being taking outside with authority.
As we are walking to the doors Paul is rambling on and on about how he was sorry. We got outside and I stopped and turned to him still holding him firmly under my arm. I said in such a stern voice I even shocked myself. "Where is the phone!" he explained that it was all "Jon's" idea and that he does not have it that Jon does. So I said still being stern and forcefully so he knew I was the boss. "Is he in the car?!" he went on to explain that Jon was at a job interview at jack in the box aka jack in the crack....

I went on to tell him that he was going to drive me there and if he didn’t I was going to kick the crap out of him. So being a smart man he agreed. He must be so wise because of all the years under his belt. Next directing walking to the car with Paul under my arm in an arm lock I Yelled to my solders, "Yaseen you ride with Andrew and follow us!" So we approach Paul's car and I tell him, "Give me your cell phone!" and being the coward he is he does not hesitate. Now right about now I am feelin like the BOSS. I am saying to do things to Yaseen, Andrew, Paul, the dude that talked to me when I was behind the pillar.... I am in control of this situation.
So we are in the car. It reeks of cigarette smoke. I tell him to buckle up and I do the same. I tell him not to try anything because I will beat the crap out of him. I ask if he has any weapons. He says no. I ask if his boy Jon is packin a knife or gun or anything. He said no. (I had my knife that I got kicked out of school for on me) SO we are headed towards jack in the crack and shortly after Andrew is right on our tail. In the car Jon is going off on how he has told Jon not to do anything like this and how he knew this was a bad idea. I would interrupt him and tell him to shut up! That he is a criminal, a thief, that even if he didn’t take the phone he took my money. that he was an accomplice. that he is looking at jail time as well. I started to lecture him on how there needs to be more honest people in the world. He agrees.. and I am quick to inform him that I am talking about scum like him. that I have no respect for him. he went on to say agree my friend. And I quickly corrected him and yelled at him to shut up that I was not his friend. I told him that he is lucky he is an old man because we were going to kick who’s ever butt that did it, He then pleaded to me not to kick the crap outta Jon that he was a good kid. I told him we'll see.
As we are pulling up to jack in the crack he tries to park up front where Jon could see us. Being smarter this old idiot I make him park in the back of the parking lot. He tried many times to make close but I am the boss and he listened to me. so we get in the back. And I say "TURN OFF THE CAR!!" he does so. Give me your KEYS!

I say loud and holding out my hand. he does so quick so he won’t get hit by my back hand. He is smarter then he looks. Really.... So then we get out of the car and I tell Jon how it is going to go down. I say.... "You’re going to walk in 5 steps ahead of me and sit down right next to him so I know who he is." "Oh okay okay you got it man anything you say. “He says cowardly. As we are walking in, I notice a guy sitting in his truck. He opens the door right as I am walking by. I peek in his truck. He is holding a blackberry and a bunch of jack in the crack papers.... I am thinking to myself..... If he is applying he would have papers. So my Bad Self kicks in. I Yell at him, "Is your name Jon?!!!!!!" he does not answer. "What are you doing? Is that My your phone? What are those papers?" I then yell to Paul the old man because he got ahead of me almost walkin in the door. "Is this Jon".... no he says. I look back at the man in the truck. I bring my hand at him and point in his face. "Don’t Move!" he says okay I wont.... now looking back I laugh that everyone is doing what I say.
So I run inside to catch up. As I walk inside I notice there are only two people in the lobby both sitting down glaring at me... staring me down... So this tells me it’s one of them. I look at Paul and he says, "Jon is not here." I look back at the two mean mugging sun of a' guns... Ya right.... so I say in a loud tone, "What are your guy’s names!" nothing.... no response. I repeat my self... but not answer again. Then this skinny white boy comes walking from behind the counter and approaches a dude and says, "You’re ready for your interview?" Um Ching Ching I thought to myself. Jon had an interview. They walk to the back of the lobby and sit down and start there interview. So a minute or so went by and I walked up to the interview in progress. I slammed my hands on the Table and said what’s your name? He does not answer. (Yaseen and Andrew are standing by the door) I ask the interviewer, "what’s his name" he says he does not know. I say how do you have an interview and not know the name? That is just my thoughts... but what do I know. so he says his name is like mark or something like that... I flag over Paul the old-timer and I ask if this is Jon and he says no that Jon is not there. I Said, "take me to his house!" and he agrees. So I wrap my arm around him so he can’t run off. Even though I have his keys and phone. As we are walking out I forgot about the dude in the truck. we cross paths with him. I apologize to him for yelling at him and telling him to stay like a dog.

And he said its okay; he explained that he was giving interviews. I then told him that if he interviews anyone named Jon that he is a criminal and not to hire him.
We then proceeded walking. I asked Paul how far away Jon lived. He said about 5 minutes. I ordered him to take me there. And he agreed. We got back into the car and got on the road. Andrew and Yaseen follow. While I am in this car headed towards the phone stealers house of residence, I was getting sick with the smell of smoke. As I could feel my lungs turning more blacker by the second I decided I would lecture this old fart. "You know smoking is bad for you."

"I know I know I have been smoking since I was 7." he explains. I Say in a loud voice, "I DONT CARE, you are not only killing yourself but you are killing the people around you when you smoke!" "My grandpa past away from smoking, so this is me telling you to Quit." I explained. Paul went on to tell me about his
Dad smoking and how he wanted to quit..... I Stated, "I don’t care about you or your family or your well being. I was telling you to quit so you don’t hurt others."
Paul and I then pull up to Jon’s house. No car is in the front yard. I asked why that was an he said they didn’t have one. We pull into the driveway. We step out of the car and Instantly Paul runs around the car and stands next to me. Without hesitation he holds his keys knowing I would demand him do so. I had trained him well. Yaseen and Andrew quickly jump out of there whip. Back again I deploy my troops to battle. "Yaseen go around back to make sure he does not escape around back. Andrew you say out front and wait for my word on what to do next." I then proceeded to the front door with Gramps. I ordered him to just walk in. And he did so. As I am stepping into this odd smelling house I notice that Jon’s mom and 3 year old sister were in the living room. Paul asked his mom "is Jon here?" Ya she explained and yelled to the back of the house in one of the most annoying voices I have ever heard, "JON!!!!" she proceeded to walk back through a hallway and Paul decided he would try to follow. But I was not about to let him out of my sight. I snap twice and point at the ground next to me, and I tell you what he hustled back faster then I had seen this old man move all day. I then open the door and yell for Andrew to come in. he does so and starts recording. Jon emerges from the Dark hallway. Now let me take a second to describe "Jon." About 5 foot 4... 20 years old, no facial hair, short buzzed hair cut. and cockeyes....

like where is this dude looking eyes. As he enters the room I dont say a word. I just hold out my hand..... Paul in his smoker voice explains, "He Wants hIS pHONE joN!...." No really? I thought to myself. I proceed to explain that if he is so lucky. He is lucky that his mom is right there so I can’t beat him down. that he is lucky because he was not the guy in the red sweatshirt at the bank, that he was not the guy getting the interview at Jack in the box.... I asked This Hobbit, "are you really that stupid to talk to someone that called this phone you stole. And then to try to get money from them." "I mean really you thought I would not catch you?" I went on to explain that he is lucky that the gys phone that this is was not in there because he would have gotten a beat down. His annoying mom was all, "Close the door!" in her screeching ear piercing voice. we didn’t..... I said, "You know what no one move ima get Yaseen so he can give you a piece of his mind." so I walk outside and Yell for Yaseen. He comes sprinting up. He is all pumped up and I can tell by the look in his eyes he wants blood. I again have to shake him back to relativity. I said, "Yaseen his mom is in there you can’t hit him! (shaking him more) I just want you to go in and explain to him what he has done to you." so I walk in behind Big Dog. Now what I am expecting is that I will have to hold back Yaseen because he has so much Man'ess and anger built up.... But I am wrong. Yaseen opens his mouth and in such a soft tone starts to say," how could you steal my phone........" In quite possibly the gayest way I would have pictured. He pretty much sounded like he wanted to sit criss cross apple sauce and play patty cake with young Jonny.... "I mean the money used to buy it was from Christmas, (Sigh) It was such a Horrible thing you did." then they held hands and sang koombya.... jsut playing. But pretty much. Jon and Paul went on to say sorry and they had a little love fest and shook hands and I thought I better lay down the law before I go since Yaseen is a panzy. "You both should be ashamed and I have both your numbers and will Be checking in on you to make sure you are not doing this to anyone else!!!" Then we turn around and head out the door, on my way out I hand Paul back his keys and phone. "I Yell as i am walking out the door, dont plan on getting that job at jack in the box!!" Both Andrew and Yaseen giggle. We cat back into Andrews’s car Filled with joy because we had done it!!! We had got the phone back. On the drive home I let Yaseen know he is a panzy and instead of setting up a play date with him he should have instilled some fear into that young cockeyed man. We look on the phone, and this retard took a picture of his drivers license along with a bunch of other creepy pictures.
And that is the tale of the Phone Thief, Moral of the story.... "Don’t Steal, Don’t Smoke, And Don’t Mess With Dj iWeb!"


Sharon said...

you should post your recording of it, and don't do this again because you're not the boss, and you're gonna get beat up or arrested. but it was a pretty funny story and yassen AKA Big Dog does sound like a pansy... did he even want his phone back? he should have just given it to the guy if they're gonna be BFFs

kdaygirl said...

Ian your so cute! I love you Bud!

Jason said your lucky u live in spokane and not east LA, because you would have had your butt kicked for that stunt.

It was nice of Yaseem to treat the man so kindly, its not very often that you find someone like that, he must have a very big heart!

shaina said...

I agree. Some major things could have gone wrong. Glad you are safe, and I like your "choose the right" lectures.

Me and My Girls said...

Yay bud I am glaf you posted this story, it is much better to hear it in oerson, but you always do a great job telling stories. I love you bud, glad you were safe through it all.

Devin said...

This is probably the best story i've read for a while man. good stuff.